~ 3 Steps for Women who want commitment
You’re smart about many things in life. Going through school, getting a job, coordinating an event or matching colors together to make a great outfit. When it comes to dating however, your IQ may not match the type of smarts you need to siphon out the gems from the duds.
Dating may be cruel at times and may not feel fair, especially if you seem to keep drawing in the same type of dude again and again. If you are looking for a committed relationship but seem to keep finding men with one foot out the door, (lie, cheat, keep secrets, or only come around on their terms), you may need to sharpen up the IQ of your relationship radar.
First of all, you need to identify Red flag behaviors such as:
- He wants to meet you in a non-public location on the first or second date.
- He doesn’t set up the next date with you within a week of the last date, or gives you a vague sense of when you’ll hear from him again.
- He only calls or texts you late at night or suggests that you meet up last minute or asks you to come over.
- He doesn’t talk about his family or dating history, or seems to be elusive about his past.
Second, look for a man that holds committed relationship qualities.
Here’s the short list:
- Consistency, Honesty, Congruency (words and actions match)
- Patience, Persistence, Dedication
- Positive outlook on home and family.
The first thing you can do when getting to know your potential man is to look to see if he possess these qualities. Ask yourself: Does he call when he says he is going to? Does he plan to spend time with me and set a definite time for our next date? Is there consistency between his words and actions, with a pattern of predictability? Does he place kindness over being right and do I feel like I can relax and be myself in his presence? If you are answering NO to these questions, move on.
Third, look at your own behavior.
If you feel like you are waiting by the phone because you don’t know when you’ll hear from him again, that’s probably is a good indication that you should not put all of your eggs in his basket. He’s most likely out with someone else. I don’t care how charming and muscular he is. If you are feeling anxious or confused between dates that’s a good indication that he is not demonstrating consistency and persistence. At least not when it comes to you.
Sure, you can certainly take a look at yourself and what you bring to the table as well. Developing your confidence and self-love will reduce desperate behaviors produced out of insecurity that undermine your personal value.
And at the same time, being able to spot “dud-like” behavior will save you a lot of time and tears if you can see those qualities up front. Sifting through dating profiles can also become much more targeted if you know what you are looking for and not looking for. If you base your interest solely on appearance, you can expect to be disappointed.
If the time you spend dating is only focused on the immediate fun, without incorporating the above qualities, just know that you most likely will not be heading towards a committed relationship. Even if for some reason he does commit himself to you, if he does not also demonstrate honesty, patience, dedication, and congruency, you will most likely be headed towards a painful outcome.
Many times what is missing from the “IQ” development of spotting healthy qualities for relationships is emotional guidance and support. When you reflect on your relationships with your own family history, themes of grief and loss, abuse, or emotional neglect often interfere with your sense of trust and ability to develop healthy intimacy as an adult.
Therapy targeted at attachment-based healing can help give you the momentum that’s needed to turn painful patterns around. So if you’re on the path of looking for love and commitment, think about what it will take to begin to notice the gems and avoid the duds along the way.
Contact me for more specific help with dating and relationship success. 415-448-6478 Call me today.
Here’s more information about brain chemistry affecting the way you date: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-about-bad-brain-chemistry
