Did you need to be “nice” or silent to survive?

As women, most of us have been conditioned to be quiet and selfless. We have been told not to get angry and just focus on pleasing others.  Or we have adapted silence as a tool for survival.  If you have learned to be “nice” or silent at the price of losing connection to yourself and your voice, you have unknowingly traded your most valuable asset in relationships.

You may even be at the point of not really knowing what you like, need, or feel.  Do you find yourself basing your opinions on the people around you in order to feel accepted?  Was it important, at one point in life, to stay silent to avoid criticism, shame, or abuse?   Either way, the result is an extreme loss in a sense of self, manifesting as a lack of energy, motivation, or confidence.  

If you are used to withdrawing as a way to protect yourself or maintain approval, you can become overwhelmed, confused, or anxious when asked to self-assert.  A part of you may feel like running away.  The problem is that when you can’t run away and another part of you wants to engage in relationships the result is often to freeze and shut down instead.  And then, you may be either criticized anyway or suffer from deep disappointment at not having your needs seen or attended to.

When the pain from further shaming or disappointment builds over time, a feeling of “I don’t matter” can lead to deep depression.  If painful feelings become intense enough, you may have an urge that is harmful (cutting, excessive use of substances, sex, or work) as a way to manage or numb them.

Anxiety and Depression felt in Body Signals

Emotional (anxiety or depression) or physical pain that is very intense is usually a message from your body-mind system that some part of you really needs attention. Acceptance that you actually are not “okay” and need support in order to heal can be difficult but crucial.

As you drop into this understanding, ask yourself if you can relate to this experience.  Do you frequently feel unseen or unimportant, or distant from your thoughts or needs?  Do you notice physical pain, tension, or pressure in your body? Take note of where you feel any emotional pain as well. If all you get is a numb sensation, stay with the numbness… do you feel numb all over or just in parts?

Try to notice the rate of your breath and focus in on the exhalation. Feel your feet on the floor.  Note what happens when you do that. If you are feeling overwhelmed or flooded with feeling, back off and count backwards from ten.  Look at 5 objects in the room around you and name the shape or color.

If you want to investigate the feeling further you can ask yourself:

What’s my earliest memory of feeling this way?  See if you can get a picture of yourself in your mind’s eye. What was going on around you?  What were you most afraid of in that moment–(physical safety, punishment, abandonment/rejection, shame)?  

As a child, what did I need the most? Being able to name your need alone can bring a lot of relief.  For instance:  Safety/Protection, Understanding, Kindness, Connection, To be Heard, To be Seen? What needed to be different in order for you to have that need met? Who or what needed to change, be added, or taken away?

Once you have identified the fear and the need, close your eyes for a moment. How does it feel to have done this? Repeat your identified need 10 times silently to yourself and notice how your body responds.  Allow yourself to cry if tears come. Breathe.

Imagine yourself making contact with the earth in some way and let your body lay on the cool, moist ground. Surround yourself with a scene from nature and breathe in the serene landscape. Feel the earth providing your body support.

Call a friend or your therapist if you need to talk. You can let your friend know that he/she doesn’t need to do anything but listen.

Feeling frozen and withdrawn in relationships is often a symptom of emotional or physical trauma.  For more information or support, contact me or call 415-448-6478.