It’s 8am, you’re running late…gotta get the kids ready and out the door. Your boss is calling to tell you that there is an unexpected meeting at lunch today, so bring your proposal material.
You are only halfway dressed, when you discover that your four-year-old has spilled juice all over the carpet. After soaking it up, wet towel in one hand, jacket in the other, you check your email only to find that your ex-husband is writing you to tell you that he can’t take the kids this weekend due to a work emergency, which means a majority of your plans will be canceled. Your heart is pounding, blood races to your face, your palms get sweaty.
A critical voice inside you says that no one appreciates you, and that you will never have real love or support. You feel a hot surge of rage and snap angrily at your seven year old for not being more helpful as you rush out the door.
Ever have days like these? There may be a moment in which your temper is lost, but quite often the feeling of anger can rise and persist over and over to a point where it may feel out of control.
Why do we get angry?
In recent observation and reflection, I’ve found that negative beliefs about oneself usually underpin the negative feeling. Anger, in particular, is a direct retaliation to a story that we are holding about our capability, worth, or entitlement to something pleasurable. But I’ve also found that anger itself, like a bad cold, can be catchy. When was the last time someone yelled at you and you found yourself subsequently yelling at someone else? When you find yourself in a hot spot, and you notice that you are having a surge of negativity, ask yourself these questions:
First—Is this anger mine?
This may seem like a silly question because if you are experiencing it, who else can it belong to? This is not to confuse responsibility for your own feelings, but to look more closely at where the anger is coming from. Did someone recently raise their voice at you, speak sharply or sarcastically, cut you off, or put you down?
If so, and you are now also feeling angry, then you have quite possibly “caught” the other person’s anger. This usually happens when we believe something about their opinion of us is true—how we interpret their word or action.
Which brings us to the second step.
Second—What is the negative message I’m getting?
Look at the content. It will usually fall into one of the previously stated categories: Capability/competency, Worth, and Entitlement. Quite often, a negative message may echo in our own heads like this—“You’ll never be good enough.” “Who are you to think you can do this?” “You’re stupid” “You’re worthless” “You don’t matter” “You’re not that important” “You don’t deserve to feel good (take a break, relax, play, etc)”
Third—Put that message to the test. Ask yourself… “Is it true?”
(Not if it is feeling true in the moment.) Ask yourself if it is a truth that you would say to a child. Well, you may argue, I am not a child, and this definitely applies to me. I will just ask you to humor me here because it will put a lot of weight into whether your anger keeps persisting. Even if it still feels 100% true to you right now, a subsequent question of “Where have I heard this message before?” (a parent, a teacher, a sibling) may begin to soften the feeling ever so slightly. Recognize that it is an old message, distorted by someone else’s negative feeling, and that you adapted to it for your survival at the time.
Fourth—What am I feeling in my body?
When you think about that message/ belief about yourself, what are you feeling in your body? Do you get a visceral response? It may be more sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tightness in your throat…whatever the response, just breathe and notice it. Count backward from ten if you need to. Breathing consciously will slow your heart rate down.
So if you noticed your anger as retaliation to a particular category of capability, worth, or entitlement, then that is good information to challenge and find support around. Chances are, a feeling of being heard and validation will help you feel a whole lot better. And connecting to an understanding of your need to matter, to contribute, and to play will diminish the fire substantially.
