- Listen More than Talk—The first element of good communication comes from being a good listener! Listening more than talking is a good rule of thumb when it comes to connection, and minimizing misunderstandings and arguments. From just sharing your day to discussing an important topic, getting curious about the other person’s experience and perspective supports feeling connected and understood. If you want to improve your connection, or just raise your communication effectiveness, tune into non-verbal cues, make eye contact, and be ready to listen!
- Be a Reflective Listener—Once your ears are tuned and ready to take in someone’s message, what does it mean to be a good listener? First of all, take a non-assuming stance. Don’t assume that you know how the other person is feeling, what their “problem” is, or what is meaningful to them. Pull back your reigns of interpretation and see if you can catch the words they actually use. Reflect feelings with curiosity such as “you seem excited!” or “wow, it sounds like you are really concerned.” Phrases like “you seem,” “it sounds like,” or “I heard__” indicate that you are curious about their perspective and are willing to be wrong so that they can correct you. When someone feels heard, they are much more willing to hear your perspective after they’ve said all they have needed to say. And if you approach it with an attitude of respect and appreciation of differences, you are inherently building a feeling of connection.
- Speak with Feeling Language—When it does come time for your turn to speak, it’s important to be connected to your own emotional experience. Thoughts and ideas alone cannot convey how you are impacted by others or by life—feelings do that. When you use feeling language you share more of your inner experience, which makes it easier for other people to relate to you. Letting people know that you were excited, curious, scared, nervous, irritated, etc. give others a better sense of who you are, and what you want or need in your life to build meaning and trust. Using “I” language is also very important, and connects you to your own internal experience, which is self-affirming.
- Get Curious about Needs and Desires—Everyone is born with the basic needs of food, shelter, safety, and to feel a sense of love, belonging, and acceptance. As we develop, we grow into needs for play, discovery, and the search for meaning. These needs stay with us throughout our lives. When you connect with yourself through your emotional experience, you can begin to realize which need or desire is being activated, and how you want to try and respond to that need inside yourself. The same goes for connecting to others; when you understand that most people are trying to meet one of their basic needs through their words or actions, you can reflect that need and empathize with them.
- Make Requests Not Demands—Usually, as a human being, we cannot meet all of our needs ourselves. As social creatures we have a high need for connection in addition to physical needs. In order for this need for connection to be met requires sharing from an open, tender place that communicates our need for one another. When you desire more attention, recognition, validation, understanding, the best hope to meet that need is to communicate it from a vulnerable place. Of course, it’s important to determine who feels emotionally safe to receive our desire and request. Being specific in an action someone can take to meet your need is very helpful as well so that it is easier for the other person to take action.
Sometimes the plea to be heard or for support or contribution seems to fall on deaf ears. Just remember, switching to a demand or criticism will probably not help you. If you truly feel ignored repeatedly, and you are communicating vulnerably with feelings, needs, and requests, then you might want to ask yourself if it makes sense to continue to try and get your need for connection fulfilled through that particular person. It definitely takes the effort of two or more people to effectively communicate. If you are determined to do your part through active listening, self-connection, vulnerable need sharing and specific requests, then try to seek the company of others who are dedicated to working on doing the same.
~Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT *2018* All rights reserved.
