Problems with food and weight can be worrisome and discouraging, and can leave you feeling hopeless and dejected. So many diet programs tell you that all you need to do is count calories and follow their program, and you will obtain the body you’ve always dreamed of.
So for a time you restrict heavily, attempting a regimen that will produce results. You are “good”. You only eat salads and drink water. You are ecstatically on your way to food freedom. You imagine all the clothes you are going to wear and all the people you are going to meet. You see a future of being well-liked, adored, respected. The image feels powerful and gratifying. It spurs you on to restrict more so that you can have this feeling even faster. You feel so happy.
After some time you start to feel pretty tired and your stomach is growling at you, but you try to ignore it. You suck on candies and chew gum, and after awhile the feeling fades. You’re still tired and a bit irritable, but determined to beat this. You are resolved to be in control.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your resolve is shaken. You get a flat tire and your boss is angry at your tardiness, and you receive a late payment penalty on your rent. Things are looking bleaker than they had been and you just want the simple pleasure of eating your favorite food, or having a certain drink.
You start to fantasize about food. It haunts you in your dreams and you have an overwhelming urge to stuff some cookies in your bag and go eat in a closet, or in the middle of the night when no one else can see. You aren’t going to be caught in the shame of breaking your resolve! So you start to sneak it. You sneak it at night, or in your car, or the bathroom when no one is looking. Except you can’t just eat a little. Once you start eating it feels like you can’t stop. You just want to have more and more. You feel completely out of control, like something or someone else has taken over your body. It’s as if you are at the mercy of a force greater than your own.
And then, after the eating frenzy stops and the force subsides, you awaken, as if from a dream. In front of you is the last remaining evidence of what happened, but you feel so far away. All that is left now is a horrible feeling in your stomach, and a sickening feeling in your chest. You say to yourself…”Could I have ingested all of this? Am I so weak that I have no control? What’s wrong with me? I am such a fat stupid cow!”
Then, even though you didn’t intend to do it, even though you never saw yourself as that kind of person, you go to the bathroom to try to purge most of it out. You didn’t need all of that anyway! Besides, you will start again, this time more perfectly than before. You see the pitfalls you didn’t see the first time. Yes, you say to yourself, you will not repeat this mistake.
The diet will show the way. The diet will keep you on task. You just have to be more diligent next time and not cut any corners. Maybe you will let yourself eat a tiny bit of meat with your salads, maybe that will help.
And it goes on and on, and the weight goes up and down. You loose vital nutrients and your kidneys get depleted. Your hair becomes thinner, and you begin to look pale. You are angry at yourself, but your preoccupation with your weight seems to have taken on a life of its own.
Oddly enough, the biggest problem here has nothing to do with food. It has nothing to do with control. It has to do with how you feel and how you think, and the messages you are silently telling yourself. South beach, Atkins, JennyCraig, WeightWatchers–none of these diet plans are going to help you change your basic relationship with food and with yourself. You need a different kind of support. One that incorporates an emotional understanding, not just a physical one. You need help with understanding WHY you restrict or fantasize about food, and what messages trigger a feeling of deficiency, self-hatred, or shame.
If you keep believing that the problem is on the outside, you most likely will be hopelessly caught in a vicious and destructive cycle. How much money is spent on trying to improve appearances, while you still feel ugly within, and whatever measures you take still leave you with the sense that you are simply not good enough?
Even if you do not restrict to the same type of extreme, or purge as mentioned above, if you find yourself trying endless diets, experience yo yo weight loss, or feel hopeless about finding peace around your body image or food, consider that there is a deeper emotional problem. Emotional nurturance is as real of a need as food and water. No matter how much you eat or do not eat, it cannot be filled in this way. Dieting is not the answer. Exploring the emotional and cognitive roots, along with emotional support, is crucial to the healing process. You will never feel satiated without it, as there is no physical substitute.
The sooner you get help, the better and easier the healing process will be. If you know of an adolescent girl beginning to exhibit some of these signs, get help as soon as possible. High restriction and/ or purging can be dangerous or even deadly. The imprint she makes with her choices today can last for the rest of her life.
–Copyright © 2015 Jennifer Norstrom, LMFT
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